If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
