During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
