Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
