I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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