life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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