Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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