Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
