my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
