Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
