She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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