Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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