A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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