Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
vagina is talking i cant
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
