I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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