I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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