Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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