can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
