He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
