life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
