I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
