I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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