i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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