Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
How's work?
Spinning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
