my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
