I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
