I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
