i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
