I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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