There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
