My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
