Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
