Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
