I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
