So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You can't special order awesome
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
