You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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