You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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