chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
