fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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