I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
