I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
