All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
