I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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