I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
