Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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