Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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