Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
