yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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