it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
