we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
