we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
