i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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